I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Friday
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes