@JessObsess

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

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@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@meganamram

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

@Cheeseboy22

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

@GrantTanaka

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

@Mom_Overboard

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

@stockejock

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.