I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot


I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women


A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”


I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off



Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.



Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.


Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.