I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don鈥檛 even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what鈥檚 best for me.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I鈥檓 leaving
ME: please don鈥檛, I promise I鈥檒l change
WIFE: ok you鈥檝e got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The reason I don鈥檛 like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you鈥檙e listening to your friend talking about her mum鈥檚 dementia and you鈥檙e dressed as Mario.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Classic German Shepherd 馃槀
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I鈥檓 so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping