@juliussharpe

I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.

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@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

@Robert_Beau

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

@Bob_Heller

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

@xysist

Angel: So what is this?

God: The alligator

Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile

God: It’s the android version

[ Fist bump ]

@AimeeHelene1

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

@bfrosty04

I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.