I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
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If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Angel: So what is this?
God: The alligator
Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile
God: It’s the android version
[ Fist bump ]
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.