I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.

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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.


In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.


[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?


If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.


I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.


5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh


I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.


Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.


A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.


I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.