I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.

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If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.


Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow


Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.


Angel: So what is this?

God: The alligator

Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile

God: It’s the android version

[ Fist bump ]


Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.


I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon


All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”


Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.