I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
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In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.