@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

You Might Also Like

@_coryrichardson

[first day as detective]

partner: he must have drown-

me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@SLorenzen62

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.