[mysterious British man rescues me]
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.