@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

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@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

@mommajessiec

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

@pilau

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

@Mom_Overboard

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

@heymonroe

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

@JordanPeele

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.