I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.