I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

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[first day as detective]

partner: he must have drown-

me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool


WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*


Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.


[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich


Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!


Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.