I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant