I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Good boy 😂😂
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
BETRAYAL
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.