I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
You Might Also Like
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My plans: 2020:
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM