I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
BETRAYAL
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.