@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

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@SortaBad

Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber

@minkpinkustink

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

@klecket

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@tsm560

Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

@BarryVonAwesome

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore