The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Feels
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.