@ClichedOut

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

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@TheAlexNevil

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

@StellaRtwot

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

@CatherineLMK

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@Brianhopecomedy

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

@humanaaron

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

@girl_a_whirl

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

@ImJESSPlayin

Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard

@esmexoo

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye