I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.


Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?


“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain


Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.


I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.


me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed


[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Me: Next!


Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard


Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye