To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.