I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
it’s the silliest best thing
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”