The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Husband of the year 😂
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.