I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
You Might Also Like
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
much to think about
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
This is my bus stop.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait