[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.