@that1bish27

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

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@rachelle_mandik

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

@brendohare

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

@IamJackBoot

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@RevDaniel

Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?

I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.

And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?

@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

@alyssalimp

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

@TweetsByKaylee

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/  ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.