“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.


If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car


The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?


Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.


Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?

I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.

And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?


My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.


Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings


{__/} /
( • – •) /

( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
/  ⌒ヽ


Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.