@that1bish27

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

You Might Also Like

@Lisabug74

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@junejuly12

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

@rickolantern

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

@NJPsychDoc

If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.

@AtticusFinch79

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

@MommaUnfiltered

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

@ColdPetRat

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

@jellybnbonanza

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.