“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
You Might Also Like
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup