I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

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My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.


WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?



May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“


“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“


ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.



THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?


I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER


10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.


babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry