I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.