I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Breaking news:
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[eulogy]
line?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅