I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me

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My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.


I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”


FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb


I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.


Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”


Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!


“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”


ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.


Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon