me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂