@SeanEmeny

I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.

@juliussharpe

I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”

@Chhapiness

FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb

@KKAlThani

I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

@FlyJ_

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

@RajatSaysItAll

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon