Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say.
Her: A vocabulary?
Me: A what?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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i think about this illustration by cécile dormeau a lot
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Dyslexic, but I have a cunning stunt.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.