I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

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Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say.

Her: A vocabulary?

Me: A what?


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications


Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.


[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen


My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.