I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.