I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
😩😩😩
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
i have one speed and it’s mosey