I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
You Might Also Like
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
What flavor cupcake are these
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week