I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

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I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.


What a cute baby, what’s her name?


She’s gonna make a great grandmother


Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.


People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.


Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.


My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”