@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

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@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@mattZillaaaa

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

@MissSassy_Pants

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

@mc_funbags

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@Lisabug74

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.

@clindsaysway

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

@katiedippold

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”