I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
You Might Also Like
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Software Development ⛵️
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.