thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
umm…
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’