@karatechopmonk

I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it

You Might Also Like

@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one