Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff
I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it
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Doctor: have you been drinking?
Me: no, your honor
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting