I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Her: What are your passions?
Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.
Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.