@AllyBallyBeal

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

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@LizHackett

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@weinerdog4life

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@iwearaonesie

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

@AaronFullerton

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

@4handfuls

Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.