I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

You Might Also Like


I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”


I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.


Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying


These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.


Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.


Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?


son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?


Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.


Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.