I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Always
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.