I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it