I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.