@iGreenGod

I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child …

… but then the child wanted his eyes back.

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@funflaps

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

@faungirl123

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

@BlindChow

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

@gvicks

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

@serendipitydon1

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

@AbleLikes

I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste

@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

@Jandalize

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make