11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*offers Batman cough drops*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*