I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child …
… but then the child wanted his eyes back.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make