I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Breaking news:
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.