@Pork_Chop_Hair

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

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@ObscureGent

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@duumb

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

@Sassafrantz

Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?

@polorize

Although it may be true that I don’t have a lot of friends, I do however have a significant amount of strangers that don’t bother me.

@YourMomsucksTho

I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.