I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu