I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there