I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit