I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]