11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier