i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts