@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

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@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@EJGomez

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@markydoodoo

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@serialmatrix

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@simoncholland

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.