I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
You Might Also Like
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that