I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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