@slimmy_shady

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

- @slimmy_shady

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@Book_Krazy

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

@Izianikapani

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

@JohnLyonTweets

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

@moprob1ems

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Me:

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@Chelsea_Fagan

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes