[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
You Might Also Like
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Cause of death: sneezing while driving
I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome