I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan


I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns


I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”


Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.


If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?


Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.


I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic


GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome