I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.


almost called my teacher “mom,” but I caught myself after “mo” and added an “n.” I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.


You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.


I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.


If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.


You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.


This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!


[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…


When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.