@XplodingUnicorn

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

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@realHamOnWry

Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.

@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

@sannewman

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!