I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”