@XplodingUnicorn

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

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@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@8bitgun

almost called my teacher “mom,” but I caught myself after “mo” and added an “n.” I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.

@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

@FloodyHippie

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@WillSaysStuff

This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!

@DaddyJew

[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…

@shadygeekdad

When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.