I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
You Might Also Like
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.