I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice