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me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Some people were born into their job.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*