I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat