I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Things will get butter, keep churning
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Swedish for common sense.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.