I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.