HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.