I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
More like Kate Missington.