I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate


A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.


New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.


Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere