I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.


*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *


I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.


“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin


Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.


Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.


Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch


I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-