I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Sheep
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.