[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.
*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on
Marvel Exec: Get out.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I eat children for a living
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH