Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
#Caturday
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.